gLeeks, freaks and “the others”

May 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm (Thoughts on Life, Weight Loss Journey) (, , , , , , , , , , )

I’m a gLeek. If you for some reason reside under a rock and don’t know what that is…it’s a person who likes is obsessed with the TV show “gLee”.  Tonight’s episode hit some really hard topics and I wanted to share a bit about this.

Rachel (Lea Michele) found her birth mother (Idina Menzel) and learned that connecting with her is easier said than done and wasn’t going to fix that hole in her heart. Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Finn (Cory Monteith) move in together because their parents have been dating. Kurt redecorates their bedroom to ease Finn’s homophobia. The climactic moment comes when Kurt’s father (Mike O’Malley) walks in right when Finn calls a blanket “faggy”. He tells Finn that that kind of ignorance will not be tolerated under his roof and that being gay is not some punishable offense. By the end of the episode, Finn defends Kurt when he is being bullied by the jocks as a way of telling Kurt he accepts him.

I have done theatre productions for years and have many gay friends. I also have African-American friends, short friends, tall friends, fat friends, skinny friends, goth friends and friends from different religions. Does that make me any better than them? No. The world is made up of all walks of life. Everyone is raised differently and comes from different backgrounds.

In a way, I’m very lucky. I lived the first twenty-five years of my life being “the fat girl”. Living with the daily remarks from my peers, the stares and the loneliness. Now, I’m learning to live on the other side. I have a total understanding of what overweight people go through and how hard life can be when you aren’t a cute size four. Every day, it’s getting easier to be me. It’s easy for me to say I am who I am…that’s okay…so take me as I am or move on!

When you are twelve sizes above “normal”, people do overlook you and yes, you are invisible. You can’t easily say, “I’m me–deal with it”. You learn to change your personality in some way so people have a reason to look beyond the double chin and big ass. You learn to laugh at yourself before they do…you buy people’s love little by little, treating them to lunch when you can’t afford it so they will hang out with you.

I wish that we could all come to the understanding that everyone is who they are and that should be okay…but somehow, I don’t think we as humans will ever stop separating each other and naming one group “better” than another.

Dare to Be Different

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You Know Those Blogs…?

May 24, 2010 at 7:58 pm (Thoughts on Life)

Late Night BloggerYou know those really popular blogs that are witty and hysterical…or the ones where the person writes a novel like every day and it begins to feel like you are there with them living their life even though the writer in thousands of miles away. I’ve always wanted to be that blogger. I’ve always dreamed of what it would be like to draw in hundreds of readers with my alter-ego, Jessica Kingsley. Writing about my experiences as a nanny (Nanny Diaries style complete with my boss starring as Mrs. X), about my passionate love affairs (see I have imagination!) and my “Ah-ha” moments as Oprah calls them. I’d love to see comments on how my ramblings had affected someone else or perhaps given them their own “ah-ha” moment. I want to be Carrie fricken Bradshaw damnit! 🙂

This is the third blog that I’ve started. Every time I promise myself that I’m going to write x times per week or month. Every time, I fall short of that…way short. Then I get mad at myself and give up.

I’ve come to realize that this pattern is common throughout many areas of my life. I get a gym membership because the gym is having a special and is down the street from my job. After three or four weeks, I start coming up with every excuse in the free world not to go and spend the next 11 months paying “just $19.99” every month to drive by the building and feel horrible about myself. I see an animal cruelty video and instantly become a vegetarian. I buy vegetarian recipe books and hunt for yummy replacements that cost twice the price of meat at the health food store. I was a strict vegetarian…for two and a half weeks.

So I have decided that enough is enough. I am keeping this blog going but I’m not creating deadline that will set myself up for failure. I will blog when the mood strikes and have a mini-celebration in my head when I do. haha.

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The Year of The Jamie

April 19, 2010 at 4:40 am (Thoughts on Life)

In my last post I mentioned that I’ve been overweight most of my life. Well “overweight” is an understatement. I was fat. Clinically obese actually.

Being larger than life, I grew up having a special social trick. I amped up my sense of humor and learned to laugh at myself before others did. I also learned pretty quick that getting people to like me was easy if I go totally out of my way to do nice things for them. This may sound like a good thing…like the “kill ’em with kindness” theory. Nope. This goes far beyond that.

I spent the better part of 2009 living with a girl who I thought was my best friend. Let’s call her Jamie. I met Jamie at a small group function with a church I had started attending that January. We made small talk with each other while people were arriving at the Pastor’s home. After the Bible study and group discussion, it was mingle time again. Jamie told me there was a massage chair upstairs that was to die for. So we headed up to try it out. Her husband and all the other guys went up to another room to watch a football game. After no less than 3 minutes in the room with Jamie, I got a very quick, “I’m having an affair. I’ve filed for a divorce and my husband doesn’t know yet.” Now, considering the fact that I had only known her for a total of one hour, this is not normal conversation. You’d think I would’ve caught on…hahaha yeah notsomuch.

Her husband was served a week later and was of course blindsided. Long story short, she moved into the apartment complex where her boyfriend had been living since he left his wife one month prior. The rent was more than she could afford and she knew I wasn’t totally thrilled with my living arrangements so she casually asked if I wanted to move in. No hesitation from me, I thought it would be like living with the big sister I never had. Mistake #2.

I risked a lot by moving out of my step-dad’s house so I knew I had to make sure she liked me enough not to kick me out the first time we had a fight. So I went out of my way to make sure that never happened. Every week, I cleaned the apartment before she had a chance to lift a finger. I offered to watch her kids for free so she could go be with her boyfriend. I brought her lunch at work because she would text me with a simple “OMG I’m so hungry”. I started bringing her a coffee from Starbucks almost daily because she would comment on my drink when I came home with one. My own life seemed to slowly fall away and it became all about her. In all fairness, I allowed this to happen by not setting proper boundaries. I sank deeper and deeper into debt and even stopped going to church because she didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to go alone. I was paying bills that weren’t mine while I was continuing to pay the minimum on my own credit cards. Ridiculous right? Well, hindsight is 20/20.

So her boyfriend left his wife and child and Jamie left her husband and two kids–all for this passionate relationship. I see this going well, don’t you? They broke up after just 3 months and she went into a severe depression. Thirty days of non-stop crying. She kept saying how much she wished she could be with her family and that a trip home would “fix her” and get her head back in order. She turned her life upside down and tore her family apart for the third time (did I mention that this was her third affair?) and this wasn’t my problem to solve. Instead of realizing that and continuing with my own crumbling life, I got sucked in even further. I called her sister and suggested we go in on a plane ticket together. Yeah, I know I’m an idiot and yep, you guessed it. Her sister never paid me.

Over the next 8 months, I started realizing that no matter how much I did for her, she was never once there for me when I needed a friend. Tensions were rising and I was getting extremely bitter towards her. It’s not worth it, nor do I have the time to go into all the things that happened in that 8 months but I will say that I have never in my life felt so hurt, trampled on, and thrown away than I did 2 weeks after I moved out. I found out from many sources that the entire time I was living with her and doing everything I could to help her and her kids–she was telling everyone around her was a bitch of a roommate she had to deal with. There were no words.

I drove myself into a few thousand dollars of debt helping her and for absolutely nothing. I learned a very valuable lesson last year; not just about who she is but who I really am.

I learned that giving up my self-respect, my good judgment and bits and pieces of myself for someone else is never worth it. True friends realize that friendship is give and take. Hell, any relationship is a give and take. I have a big heart and would do anything for a friend in need but those 11 months taught me some very real life lessons and I will remember them always.

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