New Years Revelations

December 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Wow, it’s been forever since I’ve posted on this thing…Carrie Bradshaw I am not! lol To make up for the extended absence, I promise that this entry is a big one!

The last few months have been filled with many questions. Thankfully, many of them have been answered and its been a great year!

The one BIG one however kind of snuck up on me. It snuck up and out of nowhere, I found myself questioning my roots, my religion, my sexuality and all it encompasses. Here’s where it started: a close friend of mine divorced her husband after 20 years and came up with the courage to find her true self…and do the unthinkable. Live it! 🙂 I was so happy for her! We have had several conversations on the subject and she was just uncomfortable and unhappy but was too scared to do anything about it…until October.

During one of the many chats we had about it, two things really struck a chord in my heart and a had a famous “ah-ha moment”. She started explaining how she had never been comfortable sexually in her marriage. I found that odd because once you’ve been sleeping with someone for that many years, one would think there would be a certain comfort level built up by then. But deep underneath that, I totally related to what she was feeling. The second thing she talked about was never being able to achieve a deep emotional connection with her husband (whom she has told me was her best friend) or any man that she had been with for that matter. These poignant points really hit me.

The relationships that I had been in in my adult life have all failed…obviously; I’m still single. In all honesty, sex has been a part of every break up. I’ve never been comfortable with it but I’ve always attributed that to body image issues within myself or the fact that half of the men I’ve slept with, I wasn’t in a committed relationship with. Most have been one time booty calls. Now I realize that I was basically trying to prove something to myself by having sex with men every now and again. Before every sexual encounter, I found myself trying to come up with ways to not go through with the encounter. During, I sometimes enjoyed the feeling, but never had a connection to the person. My brain is always going a mile a minute wondering when it would be over. Afterwards, I felt indifferent. I never understood what the big deal was and quite honestly was beginning to think maybe I was asexual since it doesn’t bother me to go months or years without a sexual experience.

So after having this crazy ah-ha moment, I began to dig deeper. I recalled all of my relationships with men, picked them apart and examined what went wrong and why they failed. I can remember always giving guys my “warning label” so to speak. Telling them that since I was so busy with school and work, they would have to be okay with seeing me once or twice a week and that was it. But even in those one or two nights a week, I still wasn’t excited to see them…didn’t really care if I spent time with them or not. My female friends however, if they called me to go out last minute, I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen. I have also found this to be true with a new friend I’ve made through this process.

I am realizing little hints about my past that point to my attraction to women even as young as five years old. When I393019_10151318319619742_1841593182_n was in Kindergarten, I went to an after school program and there was a young teacher there, Margaret, who was by all accounts my first “crush”. Of course at that young of an age, my feelings towards her weren’t sexual but I knew that I felt safe with her. I couldn’t wait to go to Project Safe after school. On the play ground, I rarely wanted to play with the other kids. I much preferred standing with Margaret and observing the other kids. From there, I gravitated toward the comfort and safety of my teachers, counselors, and older girls/women that I wanted to befriend. As a child, it never went past friendship for me. But that is when I can distinctly remember wanting to be friends with women over kids my own age. As a teen, I didn’t date. Period. I was fluffy in high school so my mom never found it odd that I never had any puppy love interests. Growing up in California, being overweight meant being damn near invisible, as I’ve mentioned in other posts. So I never really thought about dating. It didn’t bother me at the time. Looking back, I know I never had any celebrity crushes of the opposite sex. Nope. While my friends were going gaga over the Backstreet Boys, I was obsessing over Faith Hill and others. (Come on, she’s hot!)

I guess I’m at a pivotal point in this but I know I’ve got a long way to go. I know where I’ve come from and I think I have a pretty good idea of where I’m heading but I know this is the beginning of this very long process. But I know one thing for sure…I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin than I have in my entire twenty-nine years so far.

I am who I am because I am who I am.

I’m gay. 🙂

I am currently visiting San Diego for Christmas and have come out to most of my friends. My family doesn’t know and they will not know any time soon. *Side note: if you are an extended family member of mine and you are reading this, please respect my wishes and don’t start any family issues by telling my closer family members. I will tell them when I am ready. Thank you.*

Most friends guessed my secret before I said anything, which shocked me. A lot of my friends are Christians (as am I) and I was kind of expecting some backlash. To my surprise (and delight) not one person reacted negatively. One of my former teachers, now friends told me that at 14 when I was in her class, she could tell that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin but that she was happy for me that I have finally figured this out. (Thank you Melinda!)

When someone guesses what I wanted to tell them, I ask what made them think that about me…some of the responses I’ve gotten are:

“Let’s face facts. You are almost 30 and haven’t had a serious relationship with a man.”

“Well, anytime you break up with a guy, it doesn’t matter to you. You aren’t even sad about it and have never cried over a break up. But get in a fight with one of your (female) friends and lose a girlfriend…you are a mess for weeks.”

“The few men you’ve introduced to me as boyfriends…kinda seemed like they made your skin crawl but you were forcing the happy face.”

Wow…my friends are pretty intuitive I guess. Either that or I’ve had a rainbow shooting out of my ear for years and just didn’t know. haha

On the flip side of that, if it is so obvious to my friends, why hasn’t my family figured this out yet?! I don’t want to come out to them yet (and maybe not ever). I’m already the black sheep because of my nearly perfect cousins, not need to complicate their opinions further. This poses a difficult situation for me though. My mom and I are very close. Now that I’ve figured out who I am, I want to shout it from the roof tops. But my mom is one of the biggest homophobes that I know. She is a strong Christian and we’ve almost gone to blows just discussing gay rights in politics. Her reaction when I shared my views was that “she had raised me better than that” and that “homosexuality is an abomination against God”. So yeah, I think “hey mom, I’m gay” will go over about as well as a pregnant pole vaulter.

Anyone else out there going through this weird, transition kind of phase? Almost too many eye openers for one month. LOL



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